Real community lifts us up and inspires us.  It helps us when we’re in need and makes us feel like we’re not alone in the world. We look for it in our neighborhoods, at the gym, on our kids’ sports teams, in the break room at work, in the stands at the football game, on social media.  We can’t live without it; at least not happy lives.  We’re hard-wired for it. I believe that we’re only as good as the people we surround ourselves with.

I wish I could say that I have community and friendship all figured out and that I have all of these best friends at every turn. The truth is that I know what it’s like to feel like you’re on the outside looking in. I know the deep pain that comes with not feeling included and like I don’t belong.  Remind me to tell you about the time I was the only one who showed up to a party in an upscale neighborhood in pajamas.  It’s actually a funny story now (everyone else thought it was funny then, too, but it took me a couple of days to come around.)

What I can tell you is that I’ve had a very, VERY SMALL handful of people in my life who have consistently done community well.

But how do we develop REAL, true community?  I’m taking a cue from Vanilla Ice on this one, and I have three ways we can establish community…

In order to find the kind of friends we so long for, we have to stop what we’re doing.  We have to change our routine and stop glorifying “busy.”  Finding friendship requires a change of schedule.  It requires going to that party, staying for that playdate, and stepping outside of your busy routine to talk to people.

We also have to STOP thinking that it’s up to everyone else to invite us to stuff.  If we want friendship, sometimes that requires us to initiate the invite: have the party, find the pizza joint, set up the playdate.

Initiate.  Initiate, initiate, initiate…then initiate some more (and if someone initiates with you, say YES and then FOLLOW THROUGH with it!)

They say that less than 1% of the population initiates community.  No wonder we’re so lonely!

I get that it’s really tough to put yourself out there.  I get that schedules are so busy and hard to coordinate with others, it’s tough to put yourself out there, life gets away from you, and, IT’S TOUGH TO PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE.  The fear of rejection, even in adult friendships, can be crippling.  Or maybe, we just forget about having coffee with someone we care about because the problems staring down at us are just so big and so loud that we forget about everything except just, surviving.

…but that is exactly what gets us down.  It’s exactly what keeps us depressed, lonely and insecure.  When we’re isolated because of being too busy, being afraid of rejection or just wrapped up in our own world of chaos, the negative things that control us have won.  We need a tribe that will surround us, protect us, stick up for us, love us and encourage us.

Collaborating with others is an important key to creating something beautiful.  There are so many ways to work together: by reaching out for help when you’re struggling, asking questions of someone who is an expert in the area you struggle in or offering your advice in a situation where you can add value (if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it.)  I could write a whole blog post just on ways we can collaborate with one another as women, as mothers and friends (and maybe one day I will), but here’s the one thing that made me the MOST AMOUNT OF FRIENDS I’VE EVER HAD:

Yeah, you should talk about other people like they’re the smartest, most beautiful, coolest people you know.

Our very best friends did this for us.  They talked about us like we were the greatest gift to humankind, to other people they knew.  “Hey, have you met the Wheelers? They’re amazing. Byron is really smart and knows a lot about business, and Kristen is the funniest, prettiest, kindest, most talented and HUMBLE human we have ever met.”

I mean, I wasn’t THERE, but that’s how I imagine what was said.

Once the word got out about “The Wheelers,” it piqued people’s curiosity. People were interested in hanging out with us, which started conversations with us, which led to friendships and some epic corn hole tournaments in our back yard.  When a positive seed was planted in the form of one kind word about us, community began to grow.

Any good friendship and every healthy community requires a whole lot of listening.  We were given two ears and one mouth and we should listen twice as much as we speak! It’s so important to be an active listener with people, and not just listen like we’re waiting for our turn to talk next.  Really take time to LISTEN.  You might pick up on struggles, strengths and gifts that person has, just from normal everyday conversation.

People want to be heard.  You don’t always have to agree with them, but I encourage you to HEAR them.  When people feel heard, they feel validated.  When people feel validated they feel safer. When people feel safe around you, it creates an environment for REAL friendship!

We must also accept that community will not be perfect(sorry, there isn’t really an Ice Ice Baby lyric that goes with that one.)

People mess up.  Community is messy. We’re dealing with humans here, and humans make mistakes, they sometimes miss the mark, they misunderstand, and we’re all just…messy.

But did you read that? We’re ALL messy.  Being a mess and having messes in your life means that you’re HUMAN. That’s what gives you compassion toward people who are hurting and making messes too.

We’re not all going to get it right all of the time.  But that’s what creates the kind of connection between us that’s SO WORTH having.  It’s the kind of connection that brings healing, friendship and love that’s genuine.

Go out, turn on some tunes, and start creating that community.  And try to wear real clothes to parties. Not pajamas.