If you’re one of the exclusive, select few in the know about this little thing called the Solar Eclipse that’s happening on Monday, you might have big plans to watch it in a unique way.  Maybe you’re gathering with your family and taking the kids out of school.  Perhaps you’re having a “Sun and Moon Party” with your coworkers.  Maybe you’re going all out and traveling to a special city to catch the action.  Whatever the case, I can tell you that those special, protective sunglasses are at a premium right now.  We’re talking Tickle Me Elmo magnitude, here.

Let me just say here that I don’t mean to offend, but I don’t get it.  I’m not here to rain on anyone’s parade (oh, wouldn’t THAT suck on the 21st!), but I’m trying to understand why this is such a big deal.  It’s all the weatherman talks about.  It’s all anyone talks about.

 

I get that this is something that only happens once in a lifetime.  But, there are lots of things that only happen once in a lifetime: circumcision, for example.

 

I just don’t understand, and I need you to help me to be excited about this.

 

Now, I’ve done my homework, and a solar eclipse is when the moon passes between the sun and me, blocking me from the sun.  You know what else does that?

 

SUNSCREEN.

 

SUNGLASSES.

 

HATS.

 

This isn’t very special.

 

So basically, if I’m getting this right, the moon will be casting a shadow on the Earth as it blocks the sun. Do you know what else blocks the sun? EVERY CLOUD EVER.

 

Now, there are a few select cities in the path of 100% totality.  These cities will have so much darkness during the eclipse that stars and planets will be visible for a few brief moments.  Some are reporting that the tourist count will double the population in these cities, such as Casper, Wyoming.  It will cost $1,000 PER DAY to rent a car in some “totality cities,” and hotels are going for almost that much.  $1,000 TO STAY AT A MOTEL IN CASPER, WYOMING.  YOU GUYS…do you know when else you can see the stars and planets?? AT ABOUT 9:00 TONIGHT! AT HOME!

 

 

According the our local meteorologists, my city will be somewhere around the 92% totality range, which means that it will get slightly darker.  Apparently, ‘the air will get cooler, animals will quiet as if it’s night,’ and I’ll find all my missing sock pairs.  Okay, maybe not the sock thing, but if the planets are going to align, I’d like to get something out of the deal.  Maybe I won’t get menstrual cramps, or my kids won’t talk back.  Dare to dream.

 

Please tell me why I should be excited about this.  What are you doing to celebrate this event? I really do want to hear!

 

Until then, I’m going to practice my “eclipse watching” at about sunset tonight…

 

(partial writing credit to Byron Wheeler)